I used to love h.i.m.

a long time ago, when I was much less who I am now, I was in love with a boy. we were partners in crime for a long time, through varying intense emotions, but then he moved across the country and we were no longer together, in any sense of the word. I was young, not quite in touch with, and not quite sure of, myself... and I just didn't understand. I was very dramatic and one day he decided he could no longer communicate with me. for a long, long while after that, whenever my heart beat, it felt as if it was breaking.

but, as time went by, I healed. the strength that grew inside of me was so overwhelming and so satisfying... I became happy with myself and my surroundings in a way I never had been... I became self sufficient and every emotional weakness seemed to melt away.

we still didn't talk though.

that was three years ago.

this summer I had an unusually intense dream that I couldn't shake. I contacted this boy that I used to love... by now he was married, but I had known that, even before I'd contacted him (weird, I know, but true). he was surprised, but seemingly happy to hear from me and told me he was coming to the east coast for a visit. I told him to call me while he was here, without really thinking he would... I was content with our short correspondence, as I had never thought we would talk again, let alone see each other.

yesterday, as I enjoyed a beautiful sunny day on the water, my phone rang with a vaguely familiar number... in my distraction, it took me a second to recognize the voice on the other end as him... but upon that recognition, I felt so much love and so much happiness to hear the happiness and well being in his voice that I barely knew what to say.

today we met up. three summers have gone since I saw him last, but when we hugged, it felt shyly familiar. his wife hugged me too... she was thin, with maroon toenails, long eyelashes and a cute dress. we walked to madison square park, past the US open screen (federer was playing)... we caught up. I looked more at their hands than in their eyes. in lieu of rings, they had the other's first letter initial tattooed on their ring fingers. at least I think they did. I didn't look at the ink too long... I felt like I was invading something personal between them.

they seemed happy and I wanted to make sure they knew that I was happy for them. I wanted to somehow convey to him that it made me so happy that he had found someone who made him happy... and I would have said it out loud if she hadn't been there. to do so while she was would have been awkward. so I just smiled and stumbled over my words about my race this weekend, about my race next weekend, about my cousin in DC, about people we used to know... superficialities, I guess... I stumbled over words and sweat so much that my dress stuck to my legs, leaving moisture on the slatted park chair.

he asked me if I was seeing anyone "special," and I stumbled over my words some more, and thought about mike and thought how calm I would be if it were him and his new girlfriend sitting in the seats across from me, instead of b and his. (I have been blessed in getting over that entire situation quite quickly, thank goodness.) and I thought about how if I was feeling so nervous, but also feeling so happy that he is so happy with this other girl next to me... while at the same time feeling such a rush of tenderness and happiness towards him, despite our tumultuous history ... despite the fact that so much time has passed with no contact... if I was feeling all of that, than I must have really loved him once.

we said goodbye... he hugged me so hard and I hugged back, not sure when to let go... hoping that my hug said all the things I have thought since we left each other so long ago... (like, 'I'm sorry I was so immature a lot of the time in our relationship... it was so much a learning experience for me... I was so angry and frustrated and so sad when you left... and even more so when you decided we shouldn't talk anymore... but even at that time, even when I didn't want to admit it, I knew it was for the best. without that complete severing of ties, I wouldn't have healed like I did. all the bad feelings went away as I grew and all that was left after that process was love. whenever I think of you I just feel... fondness. I am so happy that you found someone... and I am always here for you, should you ever need me... should you ever want to develop a friendship again. I value all that you ever taught me and I consider you an integral part of who I am... and I want to thank you for breaking my heart because it was the best thing that ever happened to me.' I wanted my hug to say all of that.) I don't know if he understood, but I had to pull away.

I disorientedly wished them a safe trip back and as I walked away, I realised that even though I had felt all those positive feelings towards him, a little of my own hope and positivity seemed to have died in their presence. I felt strangely alone, plain, and unlovable. but man, even in that, I still felt love and happiness for him.

I am thankful to have been able to care about someone so much. I am thankful to have lost that person and have them come back into my life, if only for a half hour.

life is a funny thing.