this weekend, as part of open house new york, sophia and i went to the last lecture/meditation of the i meditate ny urban meditation series for the bmw guggenheim lab (click that link! what they are doing with the lab is a beautiful example of social responsibility: 'Led by international, interdisciplinary teams of emerging talents in the areas of urbanism, architecture, art, design, science, technology, education, and sustainability, the Lab addresses issues of contemporary urban life through programs and public discourse. Its goal is the exploration of new ideas, experimentation, and ultimately the creation of forward-thinking solutions for city life.')
in recent months my life has strayed so far from what i want it to be. as i let negativity dim my inner light, as i retreat further into the dark business that is my mind lately, my relationship with myself and my most intimate personal relationships have begun to deteriorate. if i think of myself at this time last year, i was unemployed and struggling, but so, so happy, and so, so light. last night i took the first yoga class i have taken in a very long time... as most of you know, i help run a yoga studio, so my life is generally 'yoga'... but the space in which i work has become increasingly toxic, and i have been (unintentionally) avoiding a public practice (i do my personal asana practice daily). i have replaced my definition of what yoga is, with the negativity i experience every day.
ahimsa.
satya.
nonviolence/none harming, and truth. these two words are yoga for me. when i live my life by these words, i am happy and my relationships are happy. when i live my life by these words, i do not cling to what does not serve me, and my light shines so bright that even times of darkness are still quite bright. i realised last night in class that i have not been living my life in this way... and because i have been harming myself, harming others, and avoiding honesty, the essence that is essentially me, has deteriorated to an unrecognizable dark and ugly thing.
i realised that i have to bring these things back into my life, regardless of the environment i am in, or the negativity that surrounds me. i am responsible for myself and for my destiny.
ok, back to the i mediate new york lecture at the guggenheim lab... i had a similar train of thought there... the lecture was given by this exceedingly cute, beautiful indian woman, and it was about happiness. as she spoke, i realised how much i had begun to rely on outside sources for my own happiness. her words brought me back to focusing on where happiness really comes from and what it is about. i thought about how i have been holding onto expectations, assumptions, the negativity of other's perceptions of me... how much i have been focusing on the future instead of the present moment, and not seeing what is right in front of me and how fortunate i am...
after the short lecture and discussion, she lead us through a seated meditation. as her voice lilted through the saturday morning sun and wind, i felt peaceful in a way i hadn't in a long time. i felt... present. when i opened my eyes, i felt rested and happy.
the happiness faded as my day gave way to expectations once again... but i think last night's yoga class was meant to build on that and reawaken my consciousness. i got home last night and slept through the night for the first time in weeks. i woke up with a strong resolve to reawaken my light and repair my relationships, because while i believe they are damaged, i do not believe they are irreparable.
i know there is still room for pure love, happiness, and light in my life, and with you all as my witnesses, i intend to cultivate it and let it become me as it has in the past.
om shanti, right?
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